A Virgin Listener’s Guide to Uncle Pedro
The history of Uncle Pedro is a veritable timeline of human progress, plummeting towards fateful nadirs before rising erect on the crest of psychotropic waves. Their story could comfort the most violated whore and evoke pity from the most leprous serf.
Drummer Navjot Sidhu and guitarist Pedro del Monte crossed paths for the first time in the final days of the Raj. Despite sharing a love of both cod spirituality and a background in the lesser-known art of elephant farming, they quickly became fierce rivals. Days would be spent dreaming up Machiavellian schemes to outwit and shame their nemeses. In this respect, Sidhu was merciless. During the autumnal monsoon of 1946, he instigated the now infamous Navjot Defence by burying a small yak foetus in del Monte’s stomach before tying his adversary down and nasally raping him. Many political commentators blame the misappropriation of this manoeuvre for the Punjabi Civil War that began the following summer.
Del Monte soon realised he lacked the racial fortitude to deal with such ferocity single-handed. After delivering the stillborn ox in the spring, he enlisted the help of a travelling Dutch monk named Jasper van der Hoojgenbaand. This formidable recluse taught the young Spaniard much of the dark arts needed to combat Sidhu. With the eremite in tow, a stalemate was eventually reached when both men simultaneously castrated each other with mechanised monkey butlers armed with nutcrackers. The resultant loss of testosterone defused the bickering and indirectly led to the creation of Uncle Pedro. With van der Hoojgenbaand hastily acquainting himself with the bass sitar, our adventurers took to the road.
As transient minstrels, life was romantic but harsh, with God seemingly handing out a succession of vicious thumps to the groin. Many nights were spent playing to hostile audiences for a little reward, dining on unidentifiable if pliant flesh. Whilst bringing our heroes together, this putative existence left its mark on all who encountered the intrepid trio. An unfortunate Mahatma Gandhi was left badly beaten after inadvertently cussing Sidhu’s scorpion during the festival of Ram Navami. Bernard Manning was also left non-plussed by an unexpected bombardment of leather insoles whilst trying to board a steamboat on the Irrawaddy.
However, the hours spent in the shade of the mango trees, gently plucking the fruits of musical enlightenment, led to not only to acclaim on the sub-continent and beyond but to the formation of one of most unique sounds in modern music. Every thump of the dhol is like a cudgel to the coccyx, every strained vocal a mackerel across the jowl. Indeed, to hear Uncle Pedro is to fully understand the worthlessness of your own existence. Kneel before them in stupefaction.
Written by Schnipp, a fat snail in a shiny carapace leaving a pseudo-intellectual trail of smugness in his considerable wake.